The Psychology Behind Why Listening to Music Makes Sex So Much Better

The Psychology Behind Why Listening to Music Makes Sex So Much Better

Alexia LaFata

It’s a classic debate in the realm of Creationism versus evolution, of the chicken versus the egg, of almond butter versus peanut butter: Should you listen to music while having sex or not?

I know this question has perplexed humans for decades. I’m sure that “back in the day,” awkwardly fidgeting with a cumbersome record player before getting nasty was inconvenient, so most people just screwed in sad, sad silence.

But now, all we have to do is click open iTunes or Spotify, press the play button, and boom: Marvin Gaye can join you for some sweet lovemaking.

I thought a lot of people listened to music while having sex. For me, a good sex playlist has been an essential accessory in the bedroom and has only increased any and all physical sensations and emotional undertones.

It turns out, though, that most people I spoke to found playing music while having sex kind of weird, or never thought to prioritize it as an integral part of the experience in the first place. Other people said that they want to try, but never have the chance to actually turn some music on before starting.

Well, everyone should listen to music while having sex. And not just because everyone loves music, but because there are actual psychological benefits, including giving you the tools to be your absolute best in the bedroom.

Researchers from McGill University found that listening to music prompts the release of dopamine, the “feel good” chemical in our brains that also gets released when we reward ourselves with food, sleep and, of course, sex.

Another study from the same university found that listening to certain kinds of stimulating music increases our signs of arousal, including our heart rate, breathing rate and skin conductance.

It looks like you can maximize your feel-good chemical release by listening to music while having sex — that is, by engaging in two major activities that cause dopamine release at the same time. What could be more stimulating than that?

Here’s even more proof: A variety of studies, including this one from 2006 andanother from 2000, explored the relationship between listening to music and light exercise. These studies suggest that people who listen to music when they work out feel less fatigue and therefore exercise for longer periods of time than people who don’t listen to music when they work out.

Researchers discovered that listening to music helps us narrow our attention to the physical activity task at hand, which means we are distracted from any sensations of discomfort that may arise from fatigue while exercising.

And when we’re able to focus solely on our movements because we are sufficiently distracted from feeling tired and achey, the duration and intensity of our work out may also increase, which will certainly improve our mood.

So, what does all of this mean when it comes to sex? As most of us know, sex can be as exhausting as working out. Like a great session in the gym, a great sex session pushes you to your physical limits, tests your endurance and makes you sweat profusely.

Sometimes, it really does feel like an intense 30-minute sex session burns as many calories as the elliptical, especially when you incorporate strength training in the form of those complex, seemingly impossible positions from the latest issue of Cosmo.

It only makes sense, then, that listening to music while having sex has the same benefits as listening to music while engaging in any other kind of physical activity.

Cranking the tunes during sex can help you focus on your moves and distract you from negative thoughts or feelings (whether that’s fatigue, stress or anything else) that might prevent you from reaching your full potential in bed.

You’ll last longer, feel less tired and, because of how focused you are on the actual act, be hyperaware of every physical sensation.

Even Spotify thinks listening to music while having sex is important — so important, in fact, that they conducted a study in 2012 to learn what kinds of music we’re listening to while we get freaky.

Led by music psychologist Daniel Mullensiefen, the study asked 2,000 people in the UK between the ages of 18 and 91 their favorite songs to have sex to.

Here are the top 10 results:

1. “She’s Like The Wind” by Patrick Swayze

2. “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye

3. “Boléro” by London Symphony Orchestra

4. “Take My Breath Away” by Berlin

5. “You See The Trouble With Me” by Barry White

6. “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye

7. “Unchained Melody” by Righteous Brothers

8. “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion

9. “Je T’aime” by Serge Gainsbourg

10. “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston

I don’t know about you, but this science-backed playlist seems way too heavy on the mushy side, so I’d like to offer my own version of this playlist, which consists of more sultry voices cooing against deep, unhurried basses — if you’re into that.

1. “High For This” by The Weeknd (also “Wicked Games” — actually, pretty much anything by The Weeknd)

2. “Nirvana” by Sam Smith

3. “Pony” by Ginuwine

4. “Novacane” by Frank Ocean

5. “So Appalled” by Kanye West

6. “Let’s Stay Together” by Al Green

7. “French Exit” by The Antlers

8. “Do I Wanna Know” by Arctic Monkeys

9. “Instant Crush” by Daft Punk

10. “Latch” by Disclosure

9 Types of Sex You Have During The First Year Of A Relationship

Gabrielle Saulsbery

The beginning of a new romance is fresh, exciting and abuzz with sly smiles and an electrifying level of nerves.

Getting to know the ins and outs of another person on an emotional and mental level, and then getting to know the ins… and outs… of him or her physically (or screw it, some people do it the other way around), can be wildly exciting.

When your relationship turns physical, sex might start out subpar. It’s not guaranteed to be bad necessarily, but it’s guaranteed to be just like your first time trying almost anything: not as good as it could potentially be.

Rhythm must be found, and communication airwaves must be opened up. That first surrender holds within it the possibility of all the types of sex you might have in the future.

During the first year of your relationship, there are many.

New Partner, New Landscape Sex

This is the first type of sex you will have with a new partner.

Is this perhaps your first partner? Well, then, you’re in for some surprises. Maybe sex is way better than you imagined. Maybe it’s nowhere near as good as you’ve been led to believe. Hold fast, dear grasshopper, these are the thoughts of even the most seasoned sexual beings.

Sometimes, even those much more experienced will be thrown for a loop with a new partner. “Different than you imagined” does not necessarily have to be good or bad. It can, in fact, just be “different.”

This type of sex, which can last from just once to hundreds of times, is fueled by novelty and honeymoon-phase butterflies, both of which make it highly exciting.

It is also very much about finding your collective rhythm. You might bump heads or you might have awkward hip swivels, but you will move past it.

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“By George, I think we’ve got it!” Sex

Holysh*tholysh*tholysh*t. This is the first time you really have sex with your partner. Okay, well, you had it before, but when you have it this time — you’ll know when it’s “this time”—, everything finally makes sense. Your bodies make sense together.

Instead of freestyle jamming (which is cool and all), you’ve started creating an effing symphony. Damn, is it good.

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“Wow! That was great.” Sex

Self-explanatory.

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“We’ve had better, but I ain’t mad.” Sex

Sometimes, it’s just kind of “eh.” Yes, even if you’ve had good sex before, and even if you’re really into each other. Bodies aren’t always as responsive as you want them to be. Moods aren’t always as passionate as they are in 30-second cinema sex scenes.

Don’t let it stress you out. Assuming you’re young, there’s a good chance the best sex of your life is still to come! Get excited!

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“God, I love you.” Sex

This starts to pop up when you fall in love with the person. If you had a romantic connection from the jump, you probably have feelings-driven sex fairly often.

Here, it gets deeper: There’s a good chance the strokes get slower. There’s a good chance the eye contact intensifies. It might get louder, or it might be breathy and filled with near-silent moans.

It’s hard to describe this type based on anything other than feelings and connection, though, which are almost dishonored by an attempt to put them into words.

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“We mean business.” Sex

Even if you love someone, romantic sex might not always be on the menu. Maybe you just need to get off; maybe your partner does, too. Are you both just fulfilling a primal urge on this lovely evening? Better with your partner than someone else. I’m sure he or she would agree.

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Silly Sex

Sometimes, you bump heads. Cool. Sometimes, your bellies clap together. No biggie. Sometimes, you notice these things and laugh, making sex more of a fun and silly activity than a means to get your rocks off.

A huge mistake some people make is taking sex too seriously. Did you want X-rated movie sex, but ended up with evening sitcom sex, instead? Roll with it because if you can’t laugh with this person now, how are you going to laugh with him or her at any given inappropriate time (when it’s the most fun)?

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“I didn’t know I’d be into that…” Sex

Oh, dang. How naughty do you feel? Trying new things is exciting, and what if you found out you’re into something super taboo? Roll. With. It.

Keep going. Keep exploring. As long as you’re not doing anything to your partner to which he or she did not consent, forage onward!

Maybe it’s something your friends have told you was gross or weird, or something that’s unpopular to love. Tell them to pipe down and eat it.

Pleasure is awesome. Find your own kinks.

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“I didn’t know he’d/she’d be into that…” Sex

Remember how naughty but excited you felt when you found out you liked that thing other people maybe sort of kind of told you was weird to like in bed? Remember how your partner let you explore it?

Let him or her explore it, too. Even if it’s something you’re not 100 percent into sexually, as long as your partner isn’t doing it against your will, let him or her move forth. When you notice how turned on he or she gets, your tastes may very well expand.

Of course, the longer you’re with someone, the more dynamic your sex life has the potential to get. After a year, 

8 Reasons A Real Man Would Never Cheat On Someone He Truly Loves

8 Reasons A Real Man Would Never Cheat On Someone He Truly Loves

Paul Hudson

So many boys, so few real men.

I’m rather pissed off at all you stupid boys, parading about like actual men. In fact, you recently cost me a potentially promising relationship. Because you’ve managed to cheat on so many women and break their trust, there seem to be very few women left who are willing to trust another man.

I have never before cheated on a woman in my life, nor will I ever do so. Unfortunately, very few women seem to believe me. I’m sure I’m not the only man who has come across a similar problem.

I’m certain that plenty of great guys have had to carry the baggage some other douchebag left behind. When you break a woman’s trust, you will never get it back. I really mean never. Sadly, you’re also ruining it for the next guy.

By cheating on a woman, you are screwing her over for the long run – she’ll likely be unable to trust another man for years to follow. Real men don’t cheat. Here’s why:

Real men are emotionally stable.

We usually hear about women having trouble controlling their emotions. Truth be told, men are much worse. While women have the intelligence to share their feelings and discuss their problems (most of the time), men like to keep it bottled up.

Until, of course, they can’t take it any longer and explode. When something goes wrong in a relationship, women may very well cry, they may complain, they may throw tantrums or give you the silent treatment, but men – weak men – pretend like they feel nothing.

Once their cup flows over, they look for whatever release they can. They drink. They smoke. They f*ck. Unfortunately, since they aren’t on talking terms with their woman, they f*ck whatever they can find. Real men deal with their emotions appropriately.

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Real men have enough willpower to keep it in their pants.

I’m sorry to have to tell you this gentlemen, but because you are men you are going to want to sleep with every beautiful woman who crosses your path. Literally, every single one.

If you’re a real man, however, you won’t risk screwing up what you have for a brief few minutes in the sack with a woman you more than likely won’t have chemistry with. If you really want sex that badly then why not sleep with the woman who loves you?

If the sex bores you, then do something to make it more exciting. It takes two to tango – if she won’t bring the whipped cream then it’s up to you to do so.

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Real men don’t date women they don’t love or don’t believe they can one day love.

Obviously, we all date people we aren’t yet certain we will fall for — if love at first sight exists, it’s rarely the case. However, many will date someone they don’t especially care about simply for convenience.

Why go out to find tail when you can have it delivered? Real men understand that women aren’t objects and therefore don’t use them simply to satisfy their own needs. When they know they don’t love a woman then they cut things off instead of continuing to lead them on.

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Real men are respectful.

They treat people with respect when respect is due… especially when it comes to the women they’re dating. Cheating is lying; it’s breaking trust and it proves that you care little about your partner as a lover, friend and as a human being.

To cheat is to act as if you’re better than she is and the fact is that you aren’t. Break her trust and you will never really get her back. I had to learn this the hard way.

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Real men don’t need to add notches to their belts simply to make themselves feel like men.

Real men know that they’re real men. They can feel it with every step they take – and more often than not it shows. It shows in their demeanor and in their actions. Too many “men” these days believe it’s laudable to sleep with as many women as possible – as if it were some sort of game, and women are collectables of sorts.

Women aren’t objects, and this game that you’re playing is called life. If you get caught cheating and the stakes are high enough then you can ruin your life.

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Real men would never hurt the woman they love.

To be fair, real men would never hurt any woman, but especially not the woman they understand as being an extension of themselves. Real men love and care for themselves as well as those who are closest to them.

If you are lucky enough to have found a woman to love and are luckier still to have her love you back, then do everything in your power to keep her smiling. There is nothing worse in the world than losing a person you love. Mistakes are mistakes… but they aren’t always forgivable.

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Real men know what’s important in life – and it’s not another piece of ass.

Proper men are too busy living the life of their dreams to bother with excess. They are working on attaining all that it is that they want in life, but more importantly still, they understand what it is that they really want.

As men, we often want more than is good for us. Only when we get what we thought we wanted do we come to realize the error of our ways. I will tell you right now that there should only be one woman for you.

That one woman who will love you for your entire life is all that really matters. The rest you won’t even remember.

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Real men have the guts to break up with a woman.

If you plan on cheating on her then you clearly don’t want to be with her. Grow a pair and break things off. You’re clearly going to do it sooner or later.

Rip that bandaid off and get it over with. Be a real man and not a quivering coward.

Love and Sobriety have given Semko new life

Love and Sobriety have given Semko new life
Simon Hiatt - Metro Saskatoon

In a career that has taken him across the country and garner­ed international acclaim, both as a member of the Northern Pikes and as a solo artist, Saskatoon’s Jay Semko admits there is still some trepidation when it comes to the hometown gig.

“It’s always different than anywhere else,” said Semko, while laughing. “Partly because people here can also see me at Superstore.”

Fans who aren’t lucky enough to see him in the produce section will get their chance when he performs an acoustic set at The Refinery next week (May 17). He says the shows at home are easier on him now than they once were.

“I still can get a little bit nervous,” said Semko. “But there’s more of a confidence fac­tor now.” That feeling stems from some big changes in his lifestyle.

“I cleaned up a few years ago, I’ve been sober for five years now and that’s been a big part of getting my confidence back,” said Semko.

Success has also played a role in building Semko’s confidence. He recently received the Roots Album of the Year Award from the Saskatchewan Country Music Association for Force of Horses and his gospel song Drop You in the Water has been nominated for an International Independent Music Award.

But one only has to press play on his latest CD Sending Love to discover which change in his life has had the greatest impact. “Being in love adds a whole new dimension to your life,” said Semko. “I feel completely rejuvenated.”

Semko describes the CD of love songs as “pouring out of him quickly” inspired by his partner, Colli Christante, whom he met two years ago. The partnership has taken off on all fronts as she now also manages his career.

http://metronews.ca/scene/218746/love-and-sobriety-have-given-semko-new-life/

A Take-No-Sh*t List For Your Well Being

Have you ever walked by a tree that is branching out sideways out of a wall—baffling gravity in its existence? Janne Robinson

Or seen a flower that is growing through cracks in the cement and marveled at its sheer stubborn will to show up and not only exist, but resiliently thrive?

This list is not about merely existing. This list is not about primitive-survival self care. You already know how much water to drink, that you feel better when you exercise and eat nutritiously and get eight hours of sleep.

This list is about that next part—expanding your existence from a place of fire by living, speaking and breathing from within your power. It’s a “take no shit” list for your well being. You are a vigorous being of worth—plant your feet, own your brilliance and show up to this world by being in service to yourself with these nine steps.

1. Learn the art of boundaries and how to say “No.”

Most people want to be liked. Most of us have, at some point in our lives, said yes when we truly desired to say no. I am guilty of walking in the shoes of being a people pleaser. I want to say yes all the time, to everyone. However, it is sometimes a disservice to ourselves and those around us to exist solely to please. Boundaries are healthy and necessary. Boundaries with our friends, lovers, family, strangers, teachers and most importantly ourselves.

If a man in the café lineup asks you to sit with him for coffee and you have zilch interest in getting to know him, gently tell him that although you appreciate him reaching out to connect that right now all you want is some time with you. His feelings might be hurt for a nanosecond but you’ll have saved his time and your energy in the long run.

When you feel it deep in your gut that you don’t want to do something—honor your intuition and yourself. Learn to say no gently—and use it to be in service to yourself. Accommodating you and your power is important.

2. Get To Know Your Purple Elephants

You know those moments where you possess an urge to sweep something uncomfortable under the rug, super glue the rug down and then disconnect the wires so the lights remain off of it forever?

I want you to rip that rug off so quickly it may make your system shriek in shock, stare it dead in the eye and talk to it till it’s black and blue and free to walk transparently.

I want you to dive into the ocean of uncomfortable, French kiss mystery and flash the world your beautiful vulnerability. The people in your life will only love you more by your ability to be transparent with them.

Talk about your shame, guilt, and fears—get naked and douse it with as much awareness, light and empathy you can possibly create. Your purple elephant won’t survive and you will grow tall.

3. Be the person you want to fall in love with

I decided this year that instead of dating the men who did things I admired that I would learn to do those things myself. As a good friend of mine and relationship coach Mark says, “Make a list of all the things you want in a partner and then be that list yourself.”

I now live in a log cabin in the woods, wear plaid, smell like smoke and taste like the sea. I learned to chop kindling with my teeth, use a chainsaw, caulk a sink, put a paintbrush to canvas and I went after what I love—writing, hard. Next up on my list is learning, “Ain’t no sunshine” on the guitar, learning Spanish, and buying a beginners motorcycle. I may never grow a beard but I figure I will leave something for my future partner to be good at.

Sweep your own ass off your feet. Be an asset to yourself by showing up in this world doing the things you admire and love.

Be mad about you. You’ll attract an even more badass version of yourself by doing so.

 4. Take Personal Growth Courses

We up tune our cars, renovate our houses, repair our clothes and shoes—why wouldn’t we invest the time to tune-up our souls?

People associate “self growth” with “self help” and immediately throw a wall up and remark, “There’s nothing wrong with me.”

Our belief systems are formed by the age of six.

The way we react to resistance, receive affection, give love, communicate—all of this is formed in the earliest stages of our lives. Some of your deepest roots may come from experiences you don’t even remember anymore—that’s reason enough to dive in.

If we have negative limiting beliefs about ourselves or the world we live in they will affect how we progress, grow, live and love. The only way to uproot them is to identify them and spend time looking that sucker in the eye and telling it “you do not serve me.”

5. Spend less time glued to screens and more time living.

When we turn a TV on we turn off our brain—we check out and let someone autopilot our mind. It’s a great escapism—it can also be damaging. When you sit glued to the Internet, your phone or a TV you disconnect from the moment unraveling now. Our world is full of “smart phones and dumb people.”

Turn that shit off. Stimulate yourself out in the big beautiful, living, breathing world. Remember about ladybugs, lupins and stars.

6. Live Vicariously Through Yourself

It is not good enough to live our lives through anyone but ourselves—period. Reading a book about climbing Everest is not the same as climbing Everest. Looking at a friend’s photographs of snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef, or jumping with Machu Picchu behind them is great—but it doesn’t cut it.

We need to live our own desires and wants.

We need feel first hand what the thinning of oxygen feels like at 15,000 feet and observe the world around us vanish into rocks and ice. We need to stand at base camp and marvel at the mean mother herself.

We need to strap on a weight belt, spit in our mask, and ascend into the ocean decompressing as we marvel at Nemos and a rainbow of coral at our fingertips. Elbow past the 20 million other people getting a photograph in Peru to create our own jumping phenomenon.

Create space to speak the experiences into existence you desire—now.

 7. Learn To Receive support

Every single human being on this planet needs support. All of us.

We are not capable of carrying ourselves alone through life. It takes guts and courage to receive support. No one is taking away your power if you say yes to help. It does not mean you are unable or weak—it means you are human.

To receive is to give and to give is to receive.

By saying no to support you’re denying someone the gift of giving.

And if the entire time you are receiving you are planning of ways to reciprocate it, you aren’t honoring the other person’s gift. Accept with grace and just say yes.

8. Take time to do nothing.

The first time I flew to visit Greece, my motherland, I learned the art of spending time doing nothing. From 2-5pm in Crete all of the cities (even the biggest ones) close down their shops. Why? Well, to take naps, drink coffee and eat. It is possibly why their economy is in complete turmoil but that’s beside the point—these people know how to live. They will probably outlive us all.

Our bodies need rest. They need to decompress and to unravel.

The reason we get sick is because we go, go, go, go and don’t make space to rest. When we get sick it is our bodies way of slamming on the breaks and forcing us to rest. Your body essentially gives you a time out.

Take time to sit at a café and drink coffee. Take naps—for the love of god, take so many naps. Take some time to lay like a lizard in the sun and just Greek out, man. The world will wait.

9. Never stop learning.

The way to keep a truly juicy relationship with our partners and ourselves is to eat up all the knowledge we can, take a short digestive break and then seek more.

“We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them.”

~ John Waters

I have a friend who told me the reason she loves her boyfriend so much is that he is constantly finding new hobbies: rock climbing, banjo playing, spear fishing, yoga, gardening, astrology, learning French, ice climbing.

Drink up knowledge like it is the sweetest nectar you have ever tasted. Expand your mind, keep your relationships exciting and build you in the meantime. Win-Win-Win.

Janne Robinson

~

We met seven years ago, and the pure physical joy between us has never paused for breath. Keeley Milne

I cannot wrap my mind around why my body so loves his, but oh, how it does.

Every inch—from the curve of his smile, to the way his hair sticks up after sleep, to the strength of his shoulders, his legs, him wrapped around me.

There is no curbing this chemistry.

When we broke up for a time, we couldn’t even meet one another for coffee because we knew what passion it would lead to (and he respected me too much to engage in random sex). There is love, yes—the kind that comes with true recognition of one another, complete with peccadilloes, inadequacies. He challenges my mind—and that in itself is erotic—but this is really about two bodies colliding.

Somewhere that love has meshed with the lust and created a mind-blowing bliss I could never have imagined.

I like to think I am very strong, independent and need no completion. Were I to remain single for the rest of my life, I believe I would remain at peace, loving, happy and engaged with the world around me. I need no other, no better half, no partner.

I am a full, rich being in my own right.

But my pure animal lust for him cannot be denied. I’ve dated other men before him, even been married. Nothing has ever tipped my world upside down like this. He is the ocean to my beach, the lullabye to my nightmare, the cream to my sugar. He is every cheesy line in every ridiculous greeting card ever written.

He is the antidote to my poison.

When I am with him, my mind goes quiet.  For someone who has searched the world over for a mind at peace, this is heaven encapsulated. Perhaps that is why I can then so eagerly turn to tactile pleasures, a kiss, a stroke, a sigh.

My body feels strong with him. He predicts my movements, knows my rhythms, answers with his own. His heat seeks mine, he loves me wholly and deeply. To paraphrase John Mayer, he “never lets my head hit the bed without his hand behind it.”

The sex is full of connection at times, other times just pure unadulterated passion. Always, there is trust.

I fought against this pleasure for years. Believing myself, us, undeserving. I wasted time tangled up in disaster-webs of my own weaving. Now, my heart has opened to embrace this as a part of my new life. In another lifetime, I hated every inch of my skin, every ounce of fat, every freckle and strand of hair.

Now, my body is a miracle in action. Running, hiking, f*cking—I am proud of every movement it makes.

He rolls over in the night and reaches for me, tucks an arm around me, pulls me close. I am blessed abundantly, and I do not push this love away. My body and heart have earned these rights—to be held closely and safely, to be made love to riotously and thoroughly.

To be loved through and through, and then over again.

To be at peace, mind and body.

Keeley Milne~

Relephant Reads:

F*ck, I Love You.

Why Affairs Happen

Understanding Affairs and Why They Happen By James Earl

Affairs are like hand grenades under relationships.

When a couple asks me to help them repair the damage, I usually offer them some plain facts first.

• In the UK, about 50% of long term relationships end in separation or divorce. (Most people have heard that statistic). But more surprisingly:

• The estimated incidence of infidelity of one or both partners in long term relationships isover 50%, according to one reputable UK source.

If this latter figure is right, infidelity is much more common that normally acknowledged.

This fact can sometimes help a couple understand that the crisis they are experiencing is part-and-parcel of many, if not most, normal relationships – not so-called failed ones. And thatthousands of people have trodden this ground before and have managed to get back on track, together.

John and Julie, who I saw recently, are a good case in point. John asked me, ‘doesn’t it make you depressed how bad humans are at keeping their promises?’ I replied, ‘you can look at it that way if you want. But how
about considering how impressive it is that we struggle with really,really difficult ideals despite our weaknesses, and keep on trying?’

Is marriage a ‘difficult ideal?’ Well, experience tells us it is. We ask ONE person to be our best friend, to be our business partner (most couples share the biggest financial commitment of their life in property), to be a co-parent in raising children, to be the centre of our community circle: and then also to be our lover. That is one incredible demand: difficult to ask, and difficult to deliver.

Most couples find, after the first five years – though the honeymoon phase varies enormously – that the relationship settles down to a comfortable normal life offering warmth, security and a feeling of home (the sort of experience we last had when we were kids, if we were lucky). At the same time, we may start complaining that despite the feeling of love and stability, desire has started to diminish, and that the intimate side of things is not exactly ‘hot’. In fact, it may be quite difficult to see your best friend/business partner/co-parent as a lover at all: or perhaps you become aware that they aren’t seeing you like that any more.

Either way, it isn’t really the diminishing of sex that is the issue (that’s just a symptom): it is more the loss of a side of oneself that the other person once brought out, and now seems swept aside by everyday life.
Julie said: ‘the thing is, I still love John.’ He snapped back, ‘how come you did what you did if you still love me?’ She said, ‘I think I just felt re-connected again with some part of me I’d forgotten.’ ‘You mean, sex?’

‘No, not sex, just a sense of youth, difference, excitement, unpredictability.’
It is worth trying to understand why affairs happen, if you are going to recover from them, or to avoid them. The person that strays rarely does it for (just) sex. Nor do they do it in the hope of a new relationship. It is usually down to a lost sense of self that can happen even inloving marriages. A lost sense of self that often another – even random – person can accidentally reawaken in you. (I believe Julie when she says he still loves John. The affair was not to do with her loving John. It was about another side of herself that the marriage had inadvertently crowded out.)

We all want stable marriages, yet complain about them being boring or routine. This is a built-in paradox: security versus excitement, or love versus desire, if you like.

I work with couples all the time who ask me how they can avoid the hand grenade of an affair.The best general advice I can give is to realize that, alongside stability and certainty, we all crave excitement, change, individuality, difference and growth.To achieve this, the most successful couples let the other person develop as an individual, not just as a half of a couple. It means a degree of unpredictability, and even risk, to allow your partner their own space to grow as themselves. But it can be our best security, in the long term.
You might expect a relationship counselor to say ‘it’s good to be close’. I would suggest: ‘it’s even better to make space for each other.’