7 Ways to Kiss a Woman how She Wants to be Kissed

Lori Anne Lothian

First off, I’m not a kissing instructor.

I am, however, a woman who has been kissed by more than a handful of men in my life—not to mention a woman or two.

And in all that lip intimacy, I’ve learned there are woeful lip locking tactics that I can only guess come from magazine articles or watching rough porn or just plain bad habits.

I’ve learned this the hard way—my first make out session with a guy, I was 15, in the recreation room of his parents’ house. We were classmates, and he clearly was as inexperienced as I, because at one point I gagged unromantically on moustache hairs after enduring an hour of lip-mashing.

When I escaped back to my house that night and looked in the mirror I was mortified—my mouth was blood-smeared from the times his teeth (or was it braces?) managed to bite instead of nip. Needless to say, I steered clear of a second date. In fact, I stayed clear of kissing anyone for another year.

What got me thinking all these years later about writing a kissing advice article? An episode of lip-intimacy with my husband who just happens to be—in my view—a great kisser. This marital smooching session reminded me of how much fun kissing can be.

And it also reminded me that great kissing is never really about technique—it’s about presence, connection, daring, affection and and yes, love.

In a nutshell, then, here is what great consensual kissing is really about. Please share this list widely. I want all you kissers to feel elated with the kind of action that brings a smile to your lips when you remember that kiss, even years later.

1. Great kissers show up.

Yes, you heard me. It means you are in room, here, now, with me. Not in your head, and not just in your gonads either. Your full presence takes ordinary lip lust to a new intimate dimension. When your are present with a woman sensually, time slows down, it even seems to stop. (It seems the women I’ve kissed seem to know this instinctively.) And when you are present, you notice things, like how she is responding (or not). Bottomline: there is no better place to be than here and now in both heart and body.

2. Great kissers tease.

Sometimes it’s fun to bypass the kissing warm up. But most times it’s exquisite to have your lips brush against the back of my neck (chills) or trail along my collarbone before working their way up to the main event. This is called playful seduction. It works. And it’s fun for both of us.

3. Great kissers use their hands.

Kissing is only one instrument in the symphony of sensual connection. Your hands can be a beautiful accompaniment—I don’t mean groping. Rather, hold my face in your hands while you kiss me, or stroke or even gently pull my hair. Find ways to make the kiss a part of the music, not the whole song.

4. Great kissers make eye contact.

You know this already. It’s not about that new-age-movement eye-gazing contest where the longer you stare without looking away, the more spiritually evolved you are. It’s about every now and then pulling back from the kiss to look at me. I might be just as shy as you, but when your eyes meet mine, the thrill of vulnerability is worth the risk. And it ignites passion. Try it.

5. Great kissers don’t have a destination.

This means I don’t feel like the kissing part is something you are doing to get points on the way to the next base. In fact, one of my most memorable first dates ended up in a two hour kissing marathon on his sofa—that was the most turned on I have ever been fully clothed! This is a bit about being in the moment, again, but it’s also about intention. If feels different to a woman if you are languorously kissing her for the sheer mutual pleasure of it versus kissing her on a mad dash to get to the penetrative sex finish line.

6. Great kissers take risks.

I am not talking about the creepy lunge-kiss, the kind of move where you completely freak out an unsuspecting woman with your lips. I am talking about those spontaneous kisses you surprise us—your girlfriend, wife, or more-than-first-date woman—with. Those stolen kisses just before we walk arm-in-arm into a party where we both feel a bit nervous. Or that kiss when the kids are not looking. Or hey, the kiss in the green room before I head off to my appearance on some TV show. You know, those kisses where I feel we are a naughty team and you have so-got-my-back.

7. Great kissers receive.

This means you are not always running the show. Guys tend to take the lead when it comes to kissing, sometimes inadvertently over-ruling their partner’s natural inclination to kiss back. Slow down and don’t kiss—see what happens when you allow us to love you back. Give her some room to play with your lips too. You will be delighted at the interplay of kissing and being kissed.

And now for one of my favourite all time kissing songs, Kiss Me Forever, by Julian Dore. The video is funny but the song is sexy. And it sticks in your head for days.

Now, go forth, and kiss!

Ready to bring something new to your sex life?

Ready to bring something new to your sex life?

Robyn Vogel

Wondering where the playfulness has gone from lovemaking, the deep intimate sharing in the bedroom, the pleasure you used to feel in your body?

Energetic sex (or energy-based sex) is a little known secret that I have recently discovered. Yes, it is something you need to learn from a teacher, or a book, but I thought it would be interesting to share what it is because just reading about it can bring something to your love-making that perhaps you don’t even know you are missing.

Energetic sex is not the practice of having sex with lots of acrobatics or jumping all over the bed and twisting yourselves up into pretzels to penetrate. Quite the opposite: energetic sex is the subtle practice of harnessing your inner feminine or inner masculine (not gender specific) and using your energy body to communicate with your partners’ energy body. Imagine that outside of your physical body you have an invisible energy body. Now imagine your energy bodies making love.

This mysterious and deep practice is one that assists us in healing the inner masculine and inner feminine aspects of ourselves. To put this simply, we all have masculine parts and we all have feminine parts. What is very clear to me is that the inner masculine and feminine aspects (and in psychotherapy we call it our Internal Family or “parts”) need to be in a healthy balanced relationship internally before we are able to create a healthy sustainable relationship externally.

We truly cannot give what we do not have. So for those that are seeking partnership and feel like it eludes you; or for those of you in relationships that are not meeting your needs or your days are filled with resentment and strife, the place to look is inside (and I am not saying that what your partner is doing/saying is not triggering you.)

This deep spiritual practice and a psychological healing will powerfully support you in generating a beautiful alive relationship on the outside and a peaceful feeling on the inside.

Cuddle Party Facilitator, Monique Darling says, “Regardless of what belief system you subscribe to, our bodies are giving off signals. These cues and clues can be read and tracked with practice, especially during sex! Engaging these subtle and powerful energies, and interacting with them in a focused state, can make for a deeply transformative experience.”

10 Energetic Sex Practices to get you started:

1.  Sit face-to-face and look into each others’ eyes.

2. Breathe in and out together.

3.  Whether you believe it or not, know that you have an energetic body outside of your physical body.

4.  Monitor the cues to arousal that you feel – what do you notice when you feel excited about something?  Turned on?

5.  Breathe alternating inhaling and exhaling (one of you breathes in, while the other breathes out.)  Get close and do this.

6. Imagine, without touching, that your partner is moving towards being inside you.

7.  Alternatively, imagine without touching, that you want to be inside your partner.

8.  Decide who will receive (feminine aspect) and who will give (masculine aspect.)

9.  Feel what it feels like to embrace only one aspect of yourself fully.

10.  Sit with your partner and allow yourself to make love without touching.

There is more pleasure available to you than you realize.  Learning and practicing using the subtle energies in your body will open up your capacity for play, healing, deep intimacy and a divine connection that you may be longing for.

We met seven years ago, and the pure physical joy between us has never paused for breath. Keeley Milne

I cannot wrap my mind around why my body so loves his, but oh, how it does.

Every inch—from the curve of his smile, to the way his hair sticks up after sleep, to the strength of his shoulders, his legs, him wrapped around me.

There is no curbing this chemistry.

When we broke up for a time, we couldn’t even meet one another for coffee because we knew what passion it would lead to (and he respected me too much to engage in random sex). There is love, yes—the kind that comes with true recognition of one another, complete with peccadilloes, inadequacies. He challenges my mind—and that in itself is erotic—but this is really about two bodies colliding.

Somewhere that love has meshed with the lust and created a mind-blowing bliss I could never have imagined.

I like to think I am very strong, independent and need no completion. Were I to remain single for the rest of my life, I believe I would remain at peace, loving, happy and engaged with the world around me. I need no other, no better half, no partner.

I am a full, rich being in my own right.

But my pure animal lust for him cannot be denied. I’ve dated other men before him, even been married. Nothing has ever tipped my world upside down like this. He is the ocean to my beach, the lullabye to my nightmare, the cream to my sugar. He is every cheesy line in every ridiculous greeting card ever written.

He is the antidote to my poison.

When I am with him, my mind goes quiet.  For someone who has searched the world over for a mind at peace, this is heaven encapsulated. Perhaps that is why I can then so eagerly turn to tactile pleasures, a kiss, a stroke, a sigh.

My body feels strong with him. He predicts my movements, knows my rhythms, answers with his own. His heat seeks mine, he loves me wholly and deeply. To paraphrase John Mayer, he “never lets my head hit the bed without his hand behind it.”

The sex is full of connection at times, other times just pure unadulterated passion. Always, there is trust.

I fought against this pleasure for years. Believing myself, us, undeserving. I wasted time tangled up in disaster-webs of my own weaving. Now, my heart has opened to embrace this as a part of my new life. In another lifetime, I hated every inch of my skin, every ounce of fat, every freckle and strand of hair.

Now, my body is a miracle in action. Running, hiking, f*cking—I am proud of every movement it makes.

He rolls over in the night and reaches for me, tucks an arm around me, pulls me close. I am blessed abundantly, and I do not push this love away. My body and heart have earned these rights—to be held closely and safely, to be made love to riotously and thoroughly.

To be loved through and through, and then over again.

To be at peace, mind and body.

Keeley Milne~

Relephant Reads:

F*ck, I Love You.