The Power of Vulnerability: 10 Life Lessons

~ Via Lubna

Up until the last few years, I had rejected the idea of allowing myself to be vulnerable, if even on a subconscious and cellular level.

From a young age, I had managed to push down any vulnerability or sensitivity I had in me for my own psychic survival. Looking back I realize that I suffered from some deep emotional wounds, wounds that I wouldn’t or couldn’t acknowledge. Was it because I was strong? Was it because I was stubborn? Perhaps I was both. The truth was, I no longer knew.  Somewhere along the road to survival, the difference between the two had begun to blur.

I refused to be hurt. I refused it with such a vengeance; I probably hurt myself more in the process. I spent what felt like an eternity building emotional brick walls in hopes that they would protect my heart. Yes, I had it all figured out. Through the cunning and creative placement of walls, I would never have to feel pain again. Absence of pain equaled happiness.

You can imagine this was the start of a long, frustrating, and disappointing journey which ultimately landed me into one of the most painful life situations ever. There’s nothing like a near death experience, or three, to slow you down. On my path to healing, I came across this river of emotions flowing through me. Further along on the path, I found a wall I had built—a dam to the river. It was now an ocean, and I didn’t know how to swim, literally and figuratively. I went out in search of tools to help me take this wall down without causing further damage to my body or psyche.

It wasn’t long before I realized just how sensitive I really was. This sensitivity, or vulnerability, that I had denied myself all these years was now coming back to haunt me in the form of physical illness and anxiety disorder. As I allowed this side of me to emerge, it turns out that there was no way to avoid the pain associated with it.  I felt so much! It overwhelmed me at times; the emotions and feelings were like a rush. Feeling like I had finally taken my first deep breath, I exhaled and thought “Damn! This stinks!”  “This” referring to everything I found myself to be doing at the time.

All of a sudden I was unhappy with my line of work. Many of my relationships and friendships were beginning to feel less satisfying. This feeling of discontent followed me around all day. In short, I was depressed. I also had no idea how I was supposed to go about changing everything in my life, but I knew that there had to be changes.  I also knew, though, that my life at that time was a house of cards, every card depended on the other. Taking away any one card would bring the whole house down.

And so it was. My house of cards and all my walls came crashing down and I had to start over. Just as I would catch myself starting to build up my house of cards again, I’d stop.

I’d remind myself of some of the lessons I have learned on this journey:

1.  Honor yourself first and above all. You are no good to anyone if you are no good to yourself.
2. You are the reason why you are not happy with your life. Period. Your life is based on a series of your own choices, no one else’s. You are not a victim; you are an empowered creator.
3. The definition of insanity is “doing the same thing, over and over and expecting a different outcome.” If you want your life to be different, make different choices.
4.  If you want to attract “better things” into your life, work on becoming a better person. You attract what you are.
5.  There is a delicate balance to the Universe. It always provides everything you need. Note that “need” and “want” are two very different things.
6.  Be kind, but don’t be a pushover. If it doesn’t feel true for you, chances are, it’s not. Then refer to lesson #1.
7. Your body is your vessel and a gift; it doesn’t deserve your abuse. There is a fine line between indulging a desire, and depending on it.
8. Forgive, forgive, forgive, but don’t forget. Start with yourself first.
9. Choose friends who share your enthusiasm for life and appreciate your strengths and weaknesses.Which brings me to one of my most important lessons…
10. Our strength lies in our vulnerability and our willingness to keep our hearts open in spite of all the painful blows that life throws at us. By allowing your heart to remain open you will not only learn faster and heal faster, but all those delicate and beautiful parts of yourself will begin to flourish.

Sensitivity is not a weakness. It could perhaps be your greatest unrealized strength. In my case, allowing myself to be vulnerable and honoring my sensitivity allowed me to start coming out of hibernation.

“You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book… or you take a trip, or you talk with Richard, and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death.”

~ Anais Nin

Live life fully, in all its joy, in all its pain and in all its glory.

~

Editor: Kate Bartolotta.

Sexual Attraction: The Big Bang. ~ Dawn Cartwright

Sexual Attraction: The Big Bang.

Via Dawn Cartwright on Aug 28, 2012

It isn’t a bang, it’s a hum.

I went to a dinner party this summer, given by a gourmand friend with a knack for putting together shindigs that take off like a house on fire. The place was full of crazy-fun people, epic food, great music and an overall feeling of friendly inclusion.

It was a great night.

Then he walked through the door.

As is customary in this particular enclave, he greeted me with a much–longer–than–a–collision, slightly–shorter–than–a–slow–dance, bear hug.

And I felt it.

The hum.

Let’s get this straight; the hum isn’t your garden-variety sexual attraction where your loins seize up in a mating cramp upon encountering a favorable genetic match. No, the hum isn’t about propagating the species, at least not that way. The hum is also not about looks, which, let’s be honest, is refreshing to say the least. The hum is something you feel before it even comes around the corner.

It’s the feeling that, if you had antennae, the hum would be all and everything those antennae would ever be about. You feel the hum in your whole body, not just below the belt. It’s a feeling that feels more like you’re picking up signals from other galaxies (don’t ask me how I know what that feels like) than almost anything else.

When you feel the hum, you wonder why you ever do anything or spend time with anyone where it isn’t present. You feel the hum and you remember your reason for living. You feel the hum and you’re singing from the mountaintops even in the Bonneville Salt Flats.

According to physicist John Cramer of the University of Washington in Seattle, our whole universe began with a hum. Based on his analysis of radiation left over from the Big Bang, Cramer discovered that the Big Bang didn’t sound like a bang at all—it sounded like a large jet plane flying one hundred feet over your house in the middle of the night.

The Big Bang was actually a deep hum.

And it’s still humming.

Right on down to the quarks and leptons in our very own bodies.

The hum is what connects us all. Gives us that feeling of belonging together. It’s the theme shared by fractals, financial markets and starling murmurations; everything complete unto itself, yet indivisible from the whole, repeating ad infinitum.

It’s that feeling of coming home.

I’ve lost count of how many nights and weekends, how many air miles I’ve spent, filling time and distracting my body, in search of that one feeling that echoes from the genesis of time.

How could I have ever believed that keeping busy and being productive or the excitement of sex and romance could ever compare to the spaciousness, the non-static settledness, the relief, of feeling the feeling I was feeling right now, wrapped up in this man I’d just met?

Suddenly, an already remarkable evening went into full–on sympathetic resonance.

You know that feeling, right?

When the two of you bring out the best in each other, easily, as if by magic?  (Only it isn’t magic, it’s advanced physics linked to the deep hum of the big bang that is still resounding throughout the universe we call home.)

Of course you do.

Well, it was like that.

The hum is like that.

So, I asked myself. What’s the difference between Garden-Variety Sexual Attraction and The Big Bang, a.k.a., The Deep Hum? I came up with a list, which is in no way meant to be comprehensive. Here goes.

Garden-Variety Sexual Attraction vs. the Big Bang:

1. With garden-variety sexual attraction, once the passion’s gone, so is the relationship. With the big bang, sexual passion comes and goes but the hum hums on.

2. Garden-variety sexual attraction leaves you disoriented; you forget where you left your keys, your car, your underwear. Big bang sexual attraction puts you in the zone; you become a magnet for everything good in your life.

3. When you have garden-variety sexual attraction sex, it’s like having dinner at a Chinese restaurant; thirty minutes later you want sex again. When what you feel is the big bang, sex, or no sex, you walk around feeling perpetually satisfied.

4. Garden-variety sexual attraction is the urge to merge. With big bang sexual attraction, merging isn’t an issue, you pick up right where you left off fifteen billion years ago.

5. Garden-variety sexual attraction only happens with potential lovers. The big bang can happen with anyone and anything; friends, lovers, your dog, the guy serving your coffee, music, dusk up in Ojai. And it can happen even when you’re all alone.

6. When you feel garden-variety sexual attraction all you want to do is relieve yourself of the feeling. When you feel the big bang, you stop looking for a climax, in fact the climax becomes decidedly anticlimactic. You make love all night. And all day. And all night. And…you get the picture.

7. With garden-variety sexual attraction there’s a feeling something must happen or you will explode. With the big bang, there’s a recognition that you have now arrived at the place where it is all already happening. You have joined the cosmic love train.

And, just in case you’re in any way worried that big bang sexual attraction is well, unsexy, here’s another description of The Big Bang, this time from Mark Whittle, Professor of Astronomy at the University of Virginia: “[The Big Bang was]. . . a descending scream, building  into a deep rasping roar, and ending in a deafening hiss. As if this were not impressive enough, the entire acoustic show is itself the prelude to a wonderful transformation: the highest pitch sounds ultimately spawn the first generation of stars, while the deep bass notes slowly dissolve to become the tapestry of galaxies which now fills all of space.”

Sound familiar?

7 Ways to Kiss a Woman how She Wants to be Kissed

Lori Anne Lothian

First off, I’m not a kissing instructor.

I am, however, a woman who has been kissed by more than a handful of men in my life—not to mention a woman or two.

And in all that lip intimacy, I’ve learned there are woeful lip locking tactics that I can only guess come from magazine articles or watching rough porn or just plain bad habits.

I’ve learned this the hard way—my first make out session with a guy, I was 15, in the recreation room of his parents’ house. We were classmates, and he clearly was as inexperienced as I, because at one point I gagged unromantically on moustache hairs after enduring an hour of lip-mashing.

When I escaped back to my house that night and looked in the mirror I was mortified—my mouth was blood-smeared from the times his teeth (or was it braces?) managed to bite instead of nip. Needless to say, I steered clear of a second date. In fact, I stayed clear of kissing anyone for another year.

What got me thinking all these years later about writing a kissing advice article? An episode of lip-intimacy with my husband who just happens to be—in my view—a great kisser. This marital smooching session reminded me of how much fun kissing can be.

And it also reminded me that great kissing is never really about technique—it’s about presence, connection, daring, affection and and yes, love.

In a nutshell, then, here is what great consensual kissing is really about. Please share this list widely. I want all you kissers to feel elated with the kind of action that brings a smile to your lips when you remember that kiss, even years later.

1. Great kissers show up.

Yes, you heard me. It means you are in room, here, now, with me. Not in your head, and not just in your gonads either. Your full presence takes ordinary lip lust to a new intimate dimension. When your are present with a woman sensually, time slows down, it even seems to stop. (It seems the women I’ve kissed seem to know this instinctively.) And when you are present, you notice things, like how she is responding (or not). Bottomline: there is no better place to be than here and now in both heart and body.

2. Great kissers tease.

Sometimes it’s fun to bypass the kissing warm up. But most times it’s exquisite to have your lips brush against the back of my neck (chills) or trail along my collarbone before working their way up to the main event. This is called playful seduction. It works. And it’s fun for both of us.

3. Great kissers use their hands.

Kissing is only one instrument in the symphony of sensual connection. Your hands can be a beautiful accompaniment—I don’t mean groping. Rather, hold my face in your hands while you kiss me, or stroke or even gently pull my hair. Find ways to make the kiss a part of the music, not the whole song.

4. Great kissers make eye contact.

You know this already. It’s not about that new-age-movement eye-gazing contest where the longer you stare without looking away, the more spiritually evolved you are. It’s about every now and then pulling back from the kiss to look at me. I might be just as shy as you, but when your eyes meet mine, the thrill of vulnerability is worth the risk. And it ignites passion. Try it.

5. Great kissers don’t have a destination.

This means I don’t feel like the kissing part is something you are doing to get points on the way to the next base. In fact, one of my most memorable first dates ended up in a two hour kissing marathon on his sofa—that was the most turned on I have ever been fully clothed! This is a bit about being in the moment, again, but it’s also about intention. If feels different to a woman if you are languorously kissing her for the sheer mutual pleasure of it versus kissing her on a mad dash to get to the penetrative sex finish line.

6. Great kissers take risks.

I am not talking about the creepy lunge-kiss, the kind of move where you completely freak out an unsuspecting woman with your lips. I am talking about those spontaneous kisses you surprise us—your girlfriend, wife, or more-than-first-date woman—with. Those stolen kisses just before we walk arm-in-arm into a party where we both feel a bit nervous. Or that kiss when the kids are not looking. Or hey, the kiss in the green room before I head off to my appearance on some TV show. You know, those kisses where I feel we are a naughty team and you have so-got-my-back.

7. Great kissers receive.

This means you are not always running the show. Guys tend to take the lead when it comes to kissing, sometimes inadvertently over-ruling their partner’s natural inclination to kiss back. Slow down and don’t kiss—see what happens when you allow us to love you back. Give her some room to play with your lips too. You will be delighted at the interplay of kissing and being kissed.

And now for one of my favourite all time kissing songs, Kiss Me Forever, by Julian Dore. The video is funny but the song is sexy. And it sticks in your head for days.

Now, go forth, and kiss!

Four Habits That Signal Relationship Doom

Sara Mckeown

As someone who has long struggled with trying to be the “Valedictorian of Everything,” my ears pricked up when John Gottman was mentioned in one of my graduate counseling classes.

Gottman is famous for being able to predict with 98 percent accuracy—(98 percent! My birth control isn’t even that reliable!)—whether a couple will divorce or not.

In other words, he’s the Valedictorian of Couples’ Counseling.

I had to know more, not only because I wanted to be such a skilled clinician, but because I was curious whether my then relationship was doomed or not (it was, but that’s another story).

So, I dug into his research. And it turns out that after interviewing and following thousands of couples over many years, his results aren’t all that complicated (in theory).

He and his team discovered four conflict patterns that are strong predictors of the end of a relationship. “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” as they’re nicknamed include:

>>Criticism

This is when a complaint is delivered as an attack. It makes someone right and someone wrong.

Why is this so bad?

One, it’s unproductive. And two, it adds fuel to the conflict fire. When we lead with what a lazy ass our partner is they’re likely to respond by pointing out what a lazy ass we are, which we’ll then criticize as being a total exaggeration and not at all right, which our partner will then criticize as… well, you get the point.

Using sentences that start with: “you always…,” “you never…,” “you’re a person who…,” “why are you so…” are signs this Horseman is present.

As a then “Valedictorian of Everything,” I was intimately familiar with the tactic. It was a favorite of mine, pointing out how wrong my partner was and how perfect I was. Score one for the Horsemen!

>>Contempt

Using this tactic during disagreements is actually the strongest indicator of not only divorce, but of disease. It literally eats away at our partner and our relationship.

Contempt creates an air of superiority and undermines respect, a key factor in relationship success.

Insulting, name calling, mocking, sneering and eye rolling are all signs of contempt. And exactly what my boyfriend did when I started in with the criticism. Another point for the Horsemen!

>>Defensiveness

This tactic prevents partners from working together. It places all the blame and responsibility on one party, creating a victim and perpetrator, which is not at all helpful when trying to hash out disagreements, because whether we want to admit it or not, it does in fact take two to tango.

Making excuses, cross-complaining (answering our partner’s complaint with a complaint), yes-butting, whining and repeating ourselves without listening to our partners are all tools of this Horseman.

And usually what I resorted to when the criticism escalated. Because clearly I was the victim, and if he just fixed his problems all would be well. Horseman: three. Sara: zero.

>>Stonewalling

This is withdrawing from the relationship. Walking away, not responding, changing the subject and using the silent treatment are all in this Horseman’s arsenal.

While it may seem that we’re trying to be neutral when we use this tactic, the damage it inflicts is that of separation, disconnection, iciness and disapproval.

Which is what I felt when my boyfriend walked out and slammed the door, cutting off my criticism and defensiveness.

So, what was I do? We scored four out of four on the Apocalypse scale, clearly the end was near.

Or was it?

According to Gottman there are also habits we can cultivate to keep the Horseman at bay.

They include: being gentle when bringing up issues, taking responsibility for our part in the argument, wanting to learn more about our partner’s complaint and participating in the conversation.

I was not particularly interested in doing any of these at the time, because I couldn’t bring myself to use the most important skill. The skill that sends the Horseman fleeing when they show up, as they are apt to do in all relationships at some point, and that’s repairing.

Repairing the relationship means saying, “I’m sorry. I screwed up. Let’s talk about it.” It creates openness, vulnerability and a common shared story. It means not being the “Valedictorian of Everything,” but being the “Valedictorian of I’m Imperfect Let’s Work on this Together.”

This is lesson I’m still learning, and one my current partner often reminds me of while rolling his eyes.

.

The Man's Letter: A married man's secret tears. ~ Steve Horsman

The Man’s letter: A married man’s secret tears. ~ Steve Horsmon

Do you know why romance and sensuality novels for women are so popular?

Short answer: the authors know exactly how to give women that feeling.

That feeling has many facets and she loves them all. She tingles with the flirtatiousness of the conversation. She blushes at the boldness and sensual innuendo. She craves the unapologetic desire. She wants to be “taken” by her man. The sexual polarity and tension has her on pins and needles of pleasure. She is aching for the climactic release from this torture.

And he doesn’t quite get it. He can read the same passage and have a lukewarm response.

Sure, it’s a little titillating. But it’s not the kind of “romance” language he has told me he is longing for.

He is a long-time, married man who is just dying to star in a different scene.

Just as he struggles to understand her emotional reaction to those scenes written for her, she can also be clueless about his deepest desires. And it’s not a sex scene.

To him, it seems she just doesn’t understand (or doesn’t care?) why reading this scene will almost always bring a tear to his eye and a lump in his throat.

More than anything, he wants that feeling, and only she has the power to supply that.

The Romance Story That Can Make Men Cry

“They were finally alone. He had been looking forward to doing this for months and she finally agreed to a getaway for just the two of them. The kids were with grandma and they will finally have a chance to reconnect as a man and woman—not as dad and mom.

“Their truck was cruising west on the hot desert highway into a beautiful sunset as one of their favorite songs from high school came on the radio. They both started humming the song and broke into the chorus at the exact same time. They both laughed and smiled without talking as the song ended. After another few miles, she gently reached across the top of the bench seat and her hand her found the back of his head. Her fingers rolled and massaged through his hair as she delivered the most loving half-scratch, half-massage treatment he hadn’t felt in a long time.

“He caught her looking at him out of the side of his eye and said, ‘What’s that look for?’

“She kept eye contact and grinned as she said, ‘This was such a good plan. I’m so happy you’re my man. Thank you for making me go on this trip. We both need this, don’t we?’

“As they pulled into town that night, he realized he had not even noticed the last 100 miles. While his truck found its own way, he had been traveling on Cloud Nine.”

Many women reading this will think I’m full of crap. The men know I’m not.

Remember, the leading man in this story has been married for 14 years, has three kids aged 13, 11 and nine, and he lives in a rat race of work, relatives, friends, home maintenance, and weekend soccer tournaments.

Sure, his sex life could be better. He wishes it was better. He has even looked at some real porn. But that’s not what he longs for in his heart. It isn’t the loss of sexual intimacy that causes the tear and the lump to form. It’s the loss of his emotional and sensual connection with his only romantic partner in life. He craves her presence, respect and trust. She is the only woman who has the power to lift him up and make him want to conquer the world for her.

Yet he feels that she no longer wants to be that woman for him. She gives herself and her energy to just about anyone but him. And it makes him sad. It makes him fearful of his future. The sadness and fear show up in his life as anger.

The Truth Behind His Anger

Anger of this type is a secondary emotion. It is a reaction to the thoughts of what he believes he has lost and of the fear of where he thinks he will wind up.

The dream of “happily ever after” for most men includes the idea of a long-term, committed, romantic and sexual relationship with a woman who shares his values and desire to maintain a healthy, trusting, respectful, and intimate relationship. The dream is full of good feelings, supportive words and loving actions.

For many men, it feels like this dream is dying right in front of him and there is no way to stop it.

Can he be more supportive? Can he be more caring and sensitive? Can he take more responsibility for planning and getting things done? Yep.

He’s been working hard at being better. He wants to be a man that he can be proud of. He wants a woman who is outwardly proud of him and openly appreciates him.

Most days all he needs to keep working is a good head scratch and a loving vote of confidence.

What is she thinking and what should he do?

A Woman Responds:  Letter to my Past & Future Lover. ~ Grace Cooley

Why can’t we touch you in affection right now? Why does it take so long for us to open up to you again, to have sex again?

It all boils down to trust and safety. These are major needs for women.

Why We Don’t Trust You (Yet)

Reason One:  Safety

Please keep in mind that from birth, girls are taught not to trust men. We are all taught, at a very young age, about how to dress and not dress, how to act and not act, where to walk at night, when it is okay to walk alone and when not, don’t “lure” men. Don’t trust men.

To make my point: I knew a young man years ago who was a cross-dresser, taking hormones and considering sex-change surgery. When dressed as a female, he very much looked like a very attractive woman. One night while walking home alone dressed as a woman, he was sexually harassed from across the street by a group of men. They followed him for more than a block, threatening to rape him. Thankfully, they finally gave up and left.

This had certainly never happened to him as a male. He told me it was the most frightened he had ever been in his young life. He had never had to think about whether he was walking alone or not, never thought about having to plan his clothes and his walking route differently because he was a woman. This is something, unfortunately, that all women have to think about on so many levels—safety. This is in the “DNA” of every female.

I want to be very clear. I am not saying that every man is inherently violent or unsafe. I am also not saying that it’s okay for a woman to see herself as a victim of society. I am saying that in our world, out of necessity, women are taught about their personal safety. It is the world we live in. To women, touch not accompanied by emotional safety is scary.

Reason Two:  We Need you to be Strong in your Masculine Energy

We need you to be consistent. We need you to be your own man, to stick to your N.U.T.s. We need you to be impeccable with your word. If you tell us you are going to do something, we need you to do that. If you can’t follow through, we need you to tell us as soon as you know that—even about things that seem small to you. Or not only will we lose respect for you, we will begin to feel unsafe with you.

And without that safety, we are closed to you—and often even to ourselves. We are waiting for you to offer us strong, directed, safe, Masculine energy. We need to know that you are in it for the long haul, that when we open up and let you see this Pandora’s Box of emotions, you are going to stand strong and not retreat.

David Deida puts it this way: “…if you don’t trust your man because he is undirected, scattered, ambiguous or otherwise weak in his masculine energy, this will undercut your relationship, reducing your passion, your sexual attraction and your trust of each other.”

Reason Three:  History

It is not that we don’t want to touch you. We know it’s important. We’re afraid to touch you in affection, because we have seen in the past that you take that as a green light to sex. We don’t feel safe enough yet to have sex. We do not want to send you mixed messages.

When you keep touching us before we trust you enough for that and if you continue interpreting our simple affectionate touches as a sexual green light, you erode the trust even further. In fact, you risk destroying any new trust that might have recently been established.

Please take sex off the table.

Don’t get me wrong, we women love attention, touch and sex! That simple hand on the small of our back as we walk through a door tells us wonderful volumes about your love and respect for us, your desire for us. We women want and crave that too and will always want more of it—unless we are not feeling emotionally safe, unless we feel, even subconsciously, that we cannot trust you for some reason.

And are you only putting effort into the relationship when you think we’re leaving you? Some women don’t want to open up and “let down their guard,” because they know that if they do, you will stop being affectionate, or stop putting effort into connecting with us as soon as you think we have decided to stay.

One woman tells me, “I’m afraid to give in, because every time I do, he becomes an emotional child again and stops doing all the lovely things he was doing to woo me. He starts ignoring me again and taking me and the relationship for granted.”

The Proverbial Bottom Line

Most women are afraid to open their hearts again to their man, because the only thing worse than getting our hearts broken by someone new, is getting it broken by the same man over and over again. It is too painful. (Read: We love you.)

We’re thinking things like: What if he really can’t (or won’t) stand in his Masculine energy for us? What if he can’t be impeccable with his life and his word? What if we open this huge dam holding back all these scary emotions, and he can’t handle all this emotion, all this anger, this fear, the doubt?

To try and open up before we feel safe enough and trust you enough to do that, feels like a self-betrayal. It feels like we are not taking care of ourselves, like we are compromising ourselves. Like we are just giving in to please you. We know that is not how you really want to connect with us. It is not how we want to connect with you.

The Solution

Please be patient with us and don’t take it personally. We are working on our stuff, our blocks to opening to you. If we compromise our own safety by having sex with you before we are ready, you would lose respect for us on a very deep level. We would lose respect for ourselves—and for you.

We know you’re sad, fearful and angry. So are we. We know it took two to get us to this scary place. It is going to take two to get us back to trust, safety and love.

The Psychology Behind Why Listening to Music Makes Sex So Much Better

The Psychology Behind Why Listening to Music Makes Sex So Much Better

Alexia LaFata

It’s a classic debate in the realm of Creationism versus evolution, of the chicken versus the egg, of almond butter versus peanut butter: Should you listen to music while having sex or not?

I know this question has perplexed humans for decades. I’m sure that “back in the day,” awkwardly fidgeting with a cumbersome record player before getting nasty was inconvenient, so most people just screwed in sad, sad silence.

But now, all we have to do is click open iTunes or Spotify, press the play button, and boom: Marvin Gaye can join you for some sweet lovemaking.

I thought a lot of people listened to music while having sex. For me, a good sex playlist has been an essential accessory in the bedroom and has only increased any and all physical sensations and emotional undertones.

It turns out, though, that most people I spoke to found playing music while having sex kind of weird, or never thought to prioritize it as an integral part of the experience in the first place. Other people said that they want to try, but never have the chance to actually turn some music on before starting.

Well, everyone should listen to music while having sex. And not just because everyone loves music, but because there are actual psychological benefits, including giving you the tools to be your absolute best in the bedroom.

Researchers from McGill University found that listening to music prompts the release of dopamine, the “feel good” chemical in our brains that also gets released when we reward ourselves with food, sleep and, of course, sex.

Another study from the same university found that listening to certain kinds of stimulating music increases our signs of arousal, including our heart rate, breathing rate and skin conductance.

It looks like you can maximize your feel-good chemical release by listening to music while having sex — that is, by engaging in two major activities that cause dopamine release at the same time. What could be more stimulating than that?

Here’s even more proof: A variety of studies, including this one from 2006 andanother from 2000, explored the relationship between listening to music and light exercise. These studies suggest that people who listen to music when they work out feel less fatigue and therefore exercise for longer periods of time than people who don’t listen to music when they work out.

Researchers discovered that listening to music helps us narrow our attention to the physical activity task at hand, which means we are distracted from any sensations of discomfort that may arise from fatigue while exercising.

And when we’re able to focus solely on our movements because we are sufficiently distracted from feeling tired and achey, the duration and intensity of our work out may also increase, which will certainly improve our mood.

So, what does all of this mean when it comes to sex? As most of us know, sex can be as exhausting as working out. Like a great session in the gym, a great sex session pushes you to your physical limits, tests your endurance and makes you sweat profusely.

Sometimes, it really does feel like an intense 30-minute sex session burns as many calories as the elliptical, especially when you incorporate strength training in the form of those complex, seemingly impossible positions from the latest issue of Cosmo.

It only makes sense, then, that listening to music while having sex has the same benefits as listening to music while engaging in any other kind of physical activity.

Cranking the tunes during sex can help you focus on your moves and distract you from negative thoughts or feelings (whether that’s fatigue, stress or anything else) that might prevent you from reaching your full potential in bed.

You’ll last longer, feel less tired and, because of how focused you are on the actual act, be hyperaware of every physical sensation.

Even Spotify thinks listening to music while having sex is important — so important, in fact, that they conducted a study in 2012 to learn what kinds of music we’re listening to while we get freaky.

Led by music psychologist Daniel Mullensiefen, the study asked 2,000 people in the UK between the ages of 18 and 91 their favorite songs to have sex to.

Here are the top 10 results:

1. “She’s Like The Wind” by Patrick Swayze

2. “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye

3. “Boléro” by London Symphony Orchestra

4. “Take My Breath Away” by Berlin

5. “You See The Trouble With Me” by Barry White

6. “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye

7. “Unchained Melody” by Righteous Brothers

8. “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion

9. “Je T’aime” by Serge Gainsbourg

10. “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston

I don’t know about you, but this science-backed playlist seems way too heavy on the mushy side, so I’d like to offer my own version of this playlist, which consists of more sultry voices cooing against deep, unhurried basses — if you’re into that.

1. “High For This” by The Weeknd (also “Wicked Games” — actually, pretty much anything by The Weeknd)

2. “Nirvana” by Sam Smith

3. “Pony” by Ginuwine

4. “Novacane” by Frank Ocean

5. “So Appalled” by Kanye West

6. “Let’s Stay Together” by Al Green

7. “French Exit” by The Antlers

8. “Do I Wanna Know” by Arctic Monkeys

9. “Instant Crush” by Daft Punk

10. “Latch” by Disclosure