7 Ways to Kiss a Woman how She Wants to be Kissed

Lori Anne Lothian

First off, I’m not a kissing instructor.

I am, however, a woman who has been kissed by more than a handful of men in my life—not to mention a woman or two.

And in all that lip intimacy, I’ve learned there are woeful lip locking tactics that I can only guess come from magazine articles or watching rough porn or just plain bad habits.

I’ve learned this the hard way—my first make out session with a guy, I was 15, in the recreation room of his parents’ house. We were classmates, and he clearly was as inexperienced as I, because at one point I gagged unromantically on moustache hairs after enduring an hour of lip-mashing.

When I escaped back to my house that night and looked in the mirror I was mortified—my mouth was blood-smeared from the times his teeth (or was it braces?) managed to bite instead of nip. Needless to say, I steered clear of a second date. In fact, I stayed clear of kissing anyone for another year.

What got me thinking all these years later about writing a kissing advice article? An episode of lip-intimacy with my husband who just happens to be—in my view—a great kisser. This marital smooching session reminded me of how much fun kissing can be.

And it also reminded me that great kissing is never really about technique—it’s about presence, connection, daring, affection and and yes, love.

In a nutshell, then, here is what great consensual kissing is really about. Please share this list widely. I want all you kissers to feel elated with the kind of action that brings a smile to your lips when you remember that kiss, even years later.

1. Great kissers show up.

Yes, you heard me. It means you are in room, here, now, with me. Not in your head, and not just in your gonads either. Your full presence takes ordinary lip lust to a new intimate dimension. When your are present with a woman sensually, time slows down, it even seems to stop. (It seems the women I’ve kissed seem to know this instinctively.) And when you are present, you notice things, like how she is responding (or not). Bottomline: there is no better place to be than here and now in both heart and body.

2. Great kissers tease.

Sometimes it’s fun to bypass the kissing warm up. But most times it’s exquisite to have your lips brush against the back of my neck (chills) or trail along my collarbone before working their way up to the main event. This is called playful seduction. It works. And it’s fun for both of us.

3. Great kissers use their hands.

Kissing is only one instrument in the symphony of sensual connection. Your hands can be a beautiful accompaniment—I don’t mean groping. Rather, hold my face in your hands while you kiss me, or stroke or even gently pull my hair. Find ways to make the kiss a part of the music, not the whole song.

4. Great kissers make eye contact.

You know this already. It’s not about that new-age-movement eye-gazing contest where the longer you stare without looking away, the more spiritually evolved you are. It’s about every now and then pulling back from the kiss to look at me. I might be just as shy as you, but when your eyes meet mine, the thrill of vulnerability is worth the risk. And it ignites passion. Try it.

5. Great kissers don’t have a destination.

This means I don’t feel like the kissing part is something you are doing to get points on the way to the next base. In fact, one of my most memorable first dates ended up in a two hour kissing marathon on his sofa—that was the most turned on I have ever been fully clothed! This is a bit about being in the moment, again, but it’s also about intention. If feels different to a woman if you are languorously kissing her for the sheer mutual pleasure of it versus kissing her on a mad dash to get to the penetrative sex finish line.

6. Great kissers take risks.

I am not talking about the creepy lunge-kiss, the kind of move where you completely freak out an unsuspecting woman with your lips. I am talking about those spontaneous kisses you surprise us—your girlfriend, wife, or more-than-first-date woman—with. Those stolen kisses just before we walk arm-in-arm into a party where we both feel a bit nervous. Or that kiss when the kids are not looking. Or hey, the kiss in the green room before I head off to my appearance on some TV show. You know, those kisses where I feel we are a naughty team and you have so-got-my-back.

7. Great kissers receive.

This means you are not always running the show. Guys tend to take the lead when it comes to kissing, sometimes inadvertently over-ruling their partner’s natural inclination to kiss back. Slow down and don’t kiss—see what happens when you allow us to love you back. Give her some room to play with your lips too. You will be delighted at the interplay of kissing and being kissed.

And now for one of my favourite all time kissing songs, Kiss Me Forever, by Julian Dore. The video is funny but the song is sexy. And it sticks in your head for days.

Now, go forth, and kiss!

The Psychology Behind Why Listening to Music Makes Sex So Much Better

The Psychology Behind Why Listening to Music Makes Sex So Much Better

Alexia LaFata

It’s a classic debate in the realm of Creationism versus evolution, of the chicken versus the egg, of almond butter versus peanut butter: Should you listen to music while having sex or not?

I know this question has perplexed humans for decades. I’m sure that “back in the day,” awkwardly fidgeting with a cumbersome record player before getting nasty was inconvenient, so most people just screwed in sad, sad silence.

But now, all we have to do is click open iTunes or Spotify, press the play button, and boom: Marvin Gaye can join you for some sweet lovemaking.

I thought a lot of people listened to music while having sex. For me, a good sex playlist has been an essential accessory in the bedroom and has only increased any and all physical sensations and emotional undertones.

It turns out, though, that most people I spoke to found playing music while having sex kind of weird, or never thought to prioritize it as an integral part of the experience in the first place. Other people said that they want to try, but never have the chance to actually turn some music on before starting.

Well, everyone should listen to music while having sex. And not just because everyone loves music, but because there are actual psychological benefits, including giving you the tools to be your absolute best in the bedroom.

Researchers from McGill University found that listening to music prompts the release of dopamine, the “feel good” chemical in our brains that also gets released when we reward ourselves with food, sleep and, of course, sex.

Another study from the same university found that listening to certain kinds of stimulating music increases our signs of arousal, including our heart rate, breathing rate and skin conductance.

It looks like you can maximize your feel-good chemical release by listening to music while having sex — that is, by engaging in two major activities that cause dopamine release at the same time. What could be more stimulating than that?

Here’s even more proof: A variety of studies, including this one from 2006 andanother from 2000, explored the relationship between listening to music and light exercise. These studies suggest that people who listen to music when they work out feel less fatigue and therefore exercise for longer periods of time than people who don’t listen to music when they work out.

Researchers discovered that listening to music helps us narrow our attention to the physical activity task at hand, which means we are distracted from any sensations of discomfort that may arise from fatigue while exercising.

And when we’re able to focus solely on our movements because we are sufficiently distracted from feeling tired and achey, the duration and intensity of our work out may also increase, which will certainly improve our mood.

So, what does all of this mean when it comes to sex? As most of us know, sex can be as exhausting as working out. Like a great session in the gym, a great sex session pushes you to your physical limits, tests your endurance and makes you sweat profusely.

Sometimes, it really does feel like an intense 30-minute sex session burns as many calories as the elliptical, especially when you incorporate strength training in the form of those complex, seemingly impossible positions from the latest issue of Cosmo.

It only makes sense, then, that listening to music while having sex has the same benefits as listening to music while engaging in any other kind of physical activity.

Cranking the tunes during sex can help you focus on your moves and distract you from negative thoughts or feelings (whether that’s fatigue, stress or anything else) that might prevent you from reaching your full potential in bed.

You’ll last longer, feel less tired and, because of how focused you are on the actual act, be hyperaware of every physical sensation.

Even Spotify thinks listening to music while having sex is important — so important, in fact, that they conducted a study in 2012 to learn what kinds of music we’re listening to while we get freaky.

Led by music psychologist Daniel Mullensiefen, the study asked 2,000 people in the UK between the ages of 18 and 91 their favorite songs to have sex to.

Here are the top 10 results:

1. “She’s Like The Wind” by Patrick Swayze

2. “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye

3. “Boléro” by London Symphony Orchestra

4. “Take My Breath Away” by Berlin

5. “You See The Trouble With Me” by Barry White

6. “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye

7. “Unchained Melody” by Righteous Brothers

8. “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion

9. “Je T’aime” by Serge Gainsbourg

10. “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston

I don’t know about you, but this science-backed playlist seems way too heavy on the mushy side, so I’d like to offer my own version of this playlist, which consists of more sultry voices cooing against deep, unhurried basses — if you’re into that.

1. “High For This” by The Weeknd (also “Wicked Games” — actually, pretty much anything by The Weeknd)

2. “Nirvana” by Sam Smith

3. “Pony” by Ginuwine

4. “Novacane” by Frank Ocean

5. “So Appalled” by Kanye West

6. “Let’s Stay Together” by Al Green

7. “French Exit” by The Antlers

8. “Do I Wanna Know” by Arctic Monkeys

9. “Instant Crush” by Daft Punk

10. “Latch” by Disclosure